Meet the Siblings
by RandomFreakazoid
Summary: In order for Russia to marry China, he must gain approval from his parents-in this case, his siblings. Crack?Fic RussiaxChina Rating for language and inappropriate conversations
1. Russia vs Korea

Two Words: Complete. Crack.

Disclaimer: Who the hell does this shit anymore?

Summary: Before Ivan can marry Yao, he must earn the approval from his parents – or in this case, his siblings. Crack?Fic RussiaxChina

Where did I get the idea for this fic? I have no idea.

Read and Review please~!

XXX

"WE WON'T ALLOW IT!"

Russia tilted his head innocently to one side.

"Why not? I love your brother and he loves me. It's supposed to happen sooner or later anyway."

Korea was latching himself onto China's left arm and yelled," SO! I LOVE ANIKI AND HE LOVES ME TOO!"

Japan nodded (When did he care aru?), Taiwan turned her head and 'harrumphed' and Hong Kong flipped-the tallest Allies nation and world superpower-the bird.

And Russia pouted in a childish fashion in an intense debate with Korea.

"It doesn't count. You're both related."

"EXACTLY! That means I know him better and can treat him the way he wanted to be treated!"

"That's still incest though."

"America and England have it going on and they're the happiest couple I've seen yet!"

"Actually England found America so they're not really related."

"And what position are you to say anything about incest? I heard that your sister, Belarus, has a thing for you!"

"But I don't like her back. Actually, I'm terrified of her."

"OH WHATEVER!"

The eldest Asian country sighed. How the hell did this happen?

Said Asian country looked at his left where the Korean had his arm hostage then looked to his right where Hong Kong took capture of his other arm. Taiwan was grabbing a leg in a possessive manner and Japan was just standing to the side as if he's above all of this. Among all the East Asian countries, Japan actually acts to China as equivalent as the disapproving father of a recent marriage announcement from his daughter…which is surprisingly similar to the situation they're currently in right now.

Well the island nation always acted like an old man.

"Either way," Taiwan butted in the heated conversation," You won't be able to marry China! Unless we see that you are worthy, then we'll change our minds and let you continue with the marriage!"

"And if you force yourself on China, I'll blow you up with fireworks," Hong Kong answered seriously.

"Ehhhhhh? That's not fair! This should be something between your brother and me!" Russia cried.

"Business with China is business with us," Japan spoken up finally. "If you want to marry Wang Yao, you must earn our approvals."

China frowned.

They must be very serious about this if they're using my human name, aru.

Russia sighed, a sign that he gave in.

"Then how do I earn your approvals?"

"You have to hang out with one of us for one whole day and convince us that you are worthy for aniki!"

Korea smirked devilishly.

"But I doubt that you can impress _me_."

"Ehhh? Is that so?" Russia asked, violet eyes flashing dangerously above a sly smile.

"Of course! I'm the origin of stubbornness y'know?"

"OI! DON'T I HAVE ANY SAY INTO THIS ARU!" yelled China.

"NO YOU DON'T!" was his mass response.

"I accept the challenge," Russia said in a low tone, his head tilted slightly upwards in newfound arrogance and confidence. "Well? _Who should I impress first_?"

…

A cold wind, followed by a random Western tumbleweed, passed by and a deadly silence befall upon the Asian countries and Russia.

Really…who the hell is going to hang out with _Russia_ first?

"I will! Also as the origin of courage, I will TAKE YOU ON DAMMIT!" Korea bellowed.

China sighed at the unnecessary drama of all this. He's, what? Over four thousand years old? His delicate figure shouldn't be dealing with the typical Korean dramatics! He can almost hear the _Stairway to Heaven_ theme song playing in the background.

Russia blinked and gave a sparkly smile to Korea. At the exact same time, a murderous dark purple aura spew off of him like a disease and Taiwan and Hong Kong let go of China's limbs to take several steps back. Holy shit-Korea's fucked up. Literally.

"So…" Russia gave another disarming smile once more. "How am I supposed to impress you Korea?"

The called country glared.

"Prove to me that you can pleasure aniki in bed!"

China almost doubled forward, his face crimson.

"THE HELL IS THAT ARU!"

Korea turned to China to give a thumbs up and a smile that said "Don't worry! I can do this so watch me save you aniki!"

China grimaced.

You're the one who needs the saving now aru.

Russia widened his eyes.

"Do you want to watch me screw your brother?"

"NO! WHY WOULD I WANT TO WATCH YOU GET ON WITH ANIKI? I BET YOU CAN'T EVEN PIN HIM AGAINST THE BED AND-"

"Korea! Stop talking aru!"

"-AND KISS HIS NECK GENTLY DOWNWARDS AND-"

"Oh my god aru! Shut the hell up!"

"-OR RUB HIM DOWN THERE AS WELL AS I-"

"OH FOR THE LOVE OF GOD AND ALL THAT'S HOLY! KOREA SHUT THE FUCK UP!"

"-AND JUST BECAUSE YOU'RE BIG AS A PERSON, I BET YOU'RE SMALLER THAN ME _DOWN THERE!_"

"IF YOUR KIMCHI SUPPLY SUDDENLY DISAPPEARS, IT'S YOUR FAULT! REMEMBER THAT ARUUUUUU!"

Taiwan already ran away, screaming somewhere along the lines of "THIS IS WHY I DON'T GO TO THE FAMILY GATHERINGS ANYMORE!" and Hong Kong and Japan were blushing madly, unable to stay calm but unable to run away like their sister. Running away means to surrender and that's not what they plan to do anytime soon. Their prides as men rely on this.

"I'm smaller than you?" Russia asked. "I'm so big that even America acknowledges it."

"Is that supposed to scare me! Then show me!"

Russia blushed slightly and squirmed when he stood. Japan's eyes widened, Hong Kong gaped, and China died even more inside.

"SHOW ME IF YOU'RE A MAN!"

Japan ran away at this point, muttering something about "western influence" under his breath, but Hong Kong was still going strong. If he can take on terrible foods, obscene language, and the idea that America screws his "dad", he can take on seeing Russia's cock.

Russia gulped.

"O-okay…"

And Russia showed Korea.

…

….

….

…!&#^#&^*!

"Holy…" Hong Kong was the first to break the deafening silence.

The ex-English colony turned to China aghast.

"How the hell could he fit inside of you!"

China's eye twitched violently.

Korea stood there, his jaws wide open.

Russia just squirmed at the intense stares he was given.

"Dude…" Korea breathed, shaking his head. "That has to hurt. Imagine putting the _whole damn thing _inside…"

"That _thing_ pwns all the western and European countries there are."

"Way past 25 cm."

"_Way past_ 25 cm."

Russia pulled up his pants.

"Is that good enough for you?"

Realizing he lost, Korea ran away, crying.

Russia looked at Hong Kong smiling cheerfully.

"So…I guess you and me tomorrow?"

XXX

Yeah I know. A penis competition right at the first chapter.

And that was my best plot bunny ever. (bashes head against the wall for sheer stupidity)


	2. Russia vs Hong Kong

Disclaimer: If you own Hetalia, you can rule the world. And I'm wearing no crown on my head.

Summary: Before Ivan can marry Yao, he must earn the approval from his parents – or in this case, his siblings. Crack?Fic RussiaxChina

You guys should know this already, but watch out for the sheer OOCness. This is, after all, crack (and was written on drugs).

XXX

"Belarus…" Hong Kong spoke slowly in a dark dramatic way.

"I know this is very inappropriate but I can't tell you the news unless I tie you up…"

"MMPH!"

"Okay fine, _chain you up _and _gag you with stuffed pork buns in your mouth_ but it's all for a VERY GOOD REASON!" Hong Kong said exasperated. "I mean, _YOUR_ BROTHER WANTS TO MARRY _MY _BROTHER!"

And Hong Kong regretted his outburst.

Because the next thing he knew, the chains that were keeping Belarus captive just _magically _fell apart in tiny little pieces.

"UR FUMUR UNTS TO FLARRIEE NEI FUMUR!"

"Belarus please calm dow-!"

"AH WON ACHAPFT EET! AH WON!"

"Will you please hear me ou-!"

"ANHD!"

A gag noise and a huge wad of salivated pork buns tumbled on the floor.

"AND WHAT THE HELL IS WITH THESE PORK BUNS! THEY DON'T EVEN TASTE LIKE PORK! THEY TASTE LIKE LITHUANIA'S COOKING WHEN RUSSIA IS WATCHING HIM!"

A pause.

"RUSSIA! MY BELOVED BROTHER! WHERE IS HE! WE MUST HAVE A **FAMILY MEETING** ABOUT HIS SO CALLED **_MARRIAGE _**(A dark menacing voice on the "marriage")!"

"Belarus! Will you just SHUT UP for one moment plea-!"

"&$^*!&^#!&(*^#!&^#%!^&*! &*#^*&$^*&$^*!"

"BELARUS!"

"**********************************************************!"

Hong Kong sighed and did what he had to do.

While Belarus started ranting in such crude words that even Prussia would cower at, Hong Kong picked up his ancient Wok turtle shell gently off from the wall (since it's such a rare antique) and bashed it not-so gently on the back of Belarus's head.

He just hopes that Russia won't mind.

**3:36 A.M. (8 hours and 24 minutes away from Hong Kong and Russia's meeting)**

"Unnnnhhhhh my heeeaad…."

"Are you okay Belarus?"

"You knocked me out with a fuckin' shell. Do I look okay?"

"I'm sorry but it was necessary. You were starting to speak in a language that I couldn't understand about Ru-"

Hong Kong only spoke the first syllable of the newfound taboo and Belarus starts ranting again.

Hong Kong sighed even more exasperated, picked up a pot and a spoon, followed China's epic fighting style and whacked Belarus's head upside the head.

Maybe Russia wouldn't mind him knocking out his sister-twice.

**8:57 A.M. (3 hours and 3 minutes away from the (dreaded) meeting)**

"Belarus. I know that tying you up again is very inappropriate but after destroying half of my house AND damaging my precious Wok turtle shell, I had no choice but to completely cover you in chains."

"UMPH!"

Although Hong Kong did not understand Belarus through the muffled noises, he was able to hear her voice through telepathy. And it sounded like -

***CENSORED***

Hong Kong rubbed his temples.

"Okay, I had no choice but to completely wrap you up in chains and shackles, handcuff your hands all under the chainmail, have you hanging from the ceiling by a single rope with Busby's chair right underneath you, and put you in England's borrowed (yeah right) dungeon for the time being."

"…Hmph."

"Okay fine, AND stuff your mouth with horrible pork buns."

"…"

"Listen to me. Obviously you know the situation and obviously you're not pleased by it. I'm not pleased by it either. To be honest, I'd rather participate in an All-Male-Nations orgy with Hungary watching than see China and Ru-that guy get married."

"…?"

"Fine I'll say his name but only if you don't go PMS on me again."

"…."

"That's why I'm proposing a plan that I need you to follow. I'd do anything to get China and R-Russia away from each other. The Soviet-Union was a bad thing in the past and I really don't want to repeat that misfortune-especially when they break up again."

And that isn't a complete lie, Hong Kong thought darkly. It wasn't how China was always freaking depressed but because he was ALWAYS FREAKING DEPRESSED. Hong Kong forgot how many times China went to _his house_ and sat on _his_ couch with tears dripping from his eyes eating _his **dim sums **supply_ away. While watching Hello Kitty reruns.

_Over 9,000 times._

When Belarus actually stayed silent for more than thirty seconds, Hong Kong assumed it was safe to hit the back of the female Baltic nation's head to help her spit out the pork buns.

After several seconds of gasping for air and coughing, Belarus finally replied in a calm voice.

"I understand your position now. However, what's your plan?"

Hong Kong shrugged.

"That's the reason why I kidnapped you. I needed someone close to Russia to tell me what his weakness is and by weaknesses I mean areas that he is very low-skilled at."

A suspicious glare.

"Why do you need that information?"

"Russia is supposed to prove himself worthy and pass every single challenge that we, the East Asian countries, throw at him so he can marry big brother. Korea (deliberately) lost and I'm supposed to throw a challenge at him exactly at noon. If I give him a challenge that he can't pass, then he and aniki won't be able to marry," Hong Kong explained.

"I see…" Belarus answered, her eyebrows furrowed in deep concentration.

"Honestly, I don't know his true attributes. Even as his sister, I don't know much of his abilities. But just warning you, challenging him for a drinking competition and he'll have you under the table in less than thirty minutes."

"And if I challenge him to a fight, that'll be a death wish."

"Challenging him for approvals in the first place was a death wish."

"Don't you know anything about Russia besides drinking and fighting!"

"Like what?"

A sigh.

"I don't know! Does he suck at certain sports, certain games, or has a bad taste in fashion or-"

"Why the hell do you want to know if he has a bad taste in fashion?"

Hong Kong rolled his eyes.

"Taiwan's planning to challenge him with that."

"I shouldn't be laughing considering my brother's situation but I _really_ want to see that happen."

"Any ideas? Because I'm going to meet Russia in a few hours and I STILL have no idea what to do!"

Belarus's eyes narrowed in deep thought once more.

What _does_ brother suck at?

After realizing that even though she's Russia's sister, she has absolutely no clue, she fell on her knees and wailed like a banshee.

"WHAT KIND OF SISTER AM I IF I DON'T EVEN KNOW MY OWN BELOVED BROTHER!"

Hong Kong, wide eyed and sweaty, grabbed the handle of a huge pot for the worst to come.

"ALL I FOCUSED THROUGH MY WHOLE ENTIRE LIFE WHAT HIS LIKES AND DISLIKES ARE BECAUSE I WOULD LOVE HIM NO MATTER HOW HORRIBLE HE IS AT COOKING OR CLEANING OR BEING A GREAT HOUSE WIFE OR-(does that mean you would be the man of the relationship Belarus?)!"

Hong Kong's expression lightened up for the first time that day.

This makes perfect sense! Russia always had his slaves to do all the housework for him doesn't he? Russia probably doesn't even know how to even mop the floor!

Hong Kong smacked Belarus's head unconscious for the third time, unwrapped the chains, removed Busby's chair underneath her, let her down from the single rope, and secretly brought her back to her house back in her bed.

After what Belarus said, Hong Kong doesn't need her anymore.

XXX

Russia and China stared at Hong Kong.

"But China's bottom." Russia deadpanned. "So why do I have to be a house wife?"

"OI! JUST BECAUSE I'M THE GIRL DOESN'T MEAN I HAVE TO ACCOMPLISH THE ROLES OF BEING ONE ARU!" China yelled angrily.

"But what does me being a good house wife would make me worthy for Yao?"

"If you can't take care of the house, you can't take care of aniki," Hong Kong said confidently. "And what happens if aniki gets sick or injured? How can you help him when he's in such a state? If you're just going sit by his side and wait for him to recover, you're not worthy to live in the same house with him!"

"But he's immortal. Even if he's sick he won't die."

"ARE YOU TRULY THAT SELFISH ARU?"

Russia beamed at the fuming China.

"If I wasn't selfish, I wouldn't be so persistent to ask you to marry me. If I wasn't persistent, then we wouldn't be so far into the relationship, da?"

China's left eye twitched.

Russia living in the same house with Estonia had made him frighteningly logical.

"So this is my challenge," Hong Kong answered, lifting a finger to emphasize it. "Aniki will be taking a break from everything today. He's going to do whatever he likes whether you like it or not. If he wants to watch five hours of _Hello Kitty then he **will**_." He ended dangerously.

"All _you're _going to do is take on China's house wife role: cook, clean, and so on. If you can't clean the house well enough, too bad for you. If China spits out your cooking, too bad for you. If you don't accept this challenge, THEN GO BACK TO YOUR COUNTRY FOB!"

China sighed.

It was a huge mistake to let Hong Kong hang out with ex-pirate England.

And calling Russia fob would make Hong Kong a hypocrite then aru?

Russia ignored Hong Kong's threatening tone," Alright! So Yao's going to stay in bed and watch Hello Kitty all day and I have to do the chores, right?"

Hong Kong smirked.

"You better do them well. If you do a bad job, then you will fail to earn my approval."

It was Russia's turn to smirk, making Hong Kong's waver a little bit.

"I will."

XXX

"_Belarus! I thought you said Russia sucks at cooking and cleaning_!"

"U…Um…who's on the phone?"

"_IT'S HONG KONG! I can't believe you don't know your own damn brother! It's because of YOUR FAULT that the house is goddamn sparkly!"_

"Ho-"

"_Not to mention his cooking was actually tolerable! From a big-hand nation like him, I'd thought he would at least have trouble not breaking the cupboard just to reach for the salt and pepper!"_

"Ca-"

"_AND I HAD NO CHOICE BUT TO APPROVE RUSSIA FOR BEING A GOOD HOUSE WIFE! AND BECAUSE HE DID A GOOD JOB TAKING CARE OF THE HOUSE AND ANIKI, ANIKI LIKES HIM _EVEN MORE_! HOW THE HELL AM I GOING TO BREAK THEM UP WHEN CHINA'S REALLY HAPPY THAT HIS _**LONG-LOST LIMITED EDITION HELLO KITTY SUMMER FUN SUIT**_ WAS FOUND BY THAT _**GODDAMN VODKA INSANE NATION**_!_

"Hong Kong! Ple-"

"_NOW HOW AM I GOING TO GET A DATE FROM TAIWAN NOW! WE MADE A DAMN BET THAT IF RUSSIA DIDN'T PASS THE CHALLENGE, SHE WOULD CONSIDER TO FORGET ABOUT JAPAN FOR ONCE AND ACTUALLY GO OUT WITH ME!"_

"Hong Kong! This is Lithuania speaking!"

A pause.

"…_What?"_

"L-Latvia actually picked up the phone but he fainted after he heard you insult R-Russia. Hong Kong, is there something that you want?"

"…"

Lithuania heard the phone hung up on the other side.

After staring at the phone mindlessly, the poor nation picked up the fainted Latvia in his arms and carried the unconscious nation to his room.

A little over one thousand miles away, Hong Kong distressed how he let out all his stress at two unfortunate nations who didn't deserve his wrath and groaned.

He grabbed the vodka bottle, poured the rest into his mouth, and muttered unintelligently all night long.

**Next Morning…**

"Excuse me Hong Kong but is that _my _vodka stash that you've been using?"

XXX

I razed Hong Kong's calm reputation to the ground and stomped on it like a spider.

Well he was drunk so it's all justified eh? :D


	3. Russia vs Taiwan

"WE. ARE. FUCKING. SCREWED."

"T-Taiwan? Excuse me but I don't under-"

"YOUR. MASTER. WANTS. TO MARRY. CHINA!"

"Master!" A squeak. "D-do you mean Russia? He's not my-"

"WE NEED. TO BREAK. THEM UP."

"Japan! (You're here too?) Can you tell me what Taiwan is tal-"

"LITHUANIA! HAND OVER ALL THE INFORMATION YOU HAVE ABOUT RUSSIA!"

"I-I can't! Russia had me to sign a contract! He told me that if I did, he-"

"**HAND ME ALL THE INFORMATION YOU HAVE ABOUT RUSSIA OR ELSE YOUR CAPITAL SHALL BE TAIPEI."**

"Japan h-help me! Taiwan's eyes are glowing and her voice is amplifying!"

" I am sorry Lithania-san, but I cannot do that."

"**LITHUANIA."**

"Taiwan! Ple-"

"**I DON'T CARE IF RUSSIA IS GOING TO PUT YOU THROUGH MASSIVE BONDAGE LIKE THE SEX SLAVE YOU ARE."  
"**But I'm not a sex slave! (Why does everyone think that!) I'm just a-"

"**BECAUSE OF YOUR MASTER, HONG KONG IS IN THE HOSPITAL."**

"H-Hong Kong? What hap-"

"**KOREA IS IN A MENTAL HOSPITAL."**

"K-Korea? In a mental - ?"

"**AND NINI SHOULD GO TO A MENTAL ASYLUM TOO IF HE EVER" **

"Taiwan! Please explain to me!"

"**CONSIDERS TO MARRY"**

"T-Taiwan? What is that-OH MY GOD."

"**RUSSIA AND IF YOU WANT TO"**

"LATVIA! ESTONIA! WHAT DID SHE _DO _TO YOU!"

"**SAVE THESE TWO AND"**

"POLAND! DID SHE STRIP YOU?"

"**THIS SORRY EXCUSE OF AN EX-SUPER NATION, THEN YOU BETTER"**

"Oh my god. She did strip – oh wait. You're wearing boxers. At least she covered-HOLY!"

"**TELL ME EVERYTHING YOU KNOW ABOUT RUSSIA."**

"LET THEM GO! THEY DON'T DESERVE THIS! AND LATVIA! YOU SCARRED THE POOR DEARFOR _LIFE!_"

"Taiwan-san. I think you'd gone pretty far this time."

"AND ESTONIA! THAT. IS. SO. _WRONG_."

"I could do much worse Japan so if you don't want to wear a corset like Estonia, then shut your trap."

"I'LL TELL YOU EVERYTHING ABOUT RUSSIA! I'LL TELL EEEEEEVVVVVVVVVV-"

"Taiwan-san, excuse my rudeness but are you _blind_? Look at Latvia-san! He's wearing _a thong. WITH RUSSIA'S FACE ON IT."_

"EEEEERRRRYYYYYYYYYYYY-"

"No Japan, I am not blind. I put the thong there myself. Besides, the thong's nothing new. I bought it at a fan store. In _your _country."

"YYYTHHHHIIIIIIIIIII-"

"And Poland-san (And wait a sec – you got these from _my country_?)!"

"What? Wearing skimpy maid outfits aren't new either (And yeah, I got the thong, the corset, and the maid outfit from a sale! Never underestimate my pro shopping skills!)."

"IT'S SO SHORT YOU COULD SEE HIS BOXERS UNDERNEATH (Thank you Taiwan-san. I am officially scared of the extent my own people could go through. Hentai's one thing, but combining Russia's face with hentai products is another)."

A heavy, dramatic sigh. "I know. That messed up the whole French Maid image doesn't it (Hey, stupid Japan! Don't blame your own people when they're _your people_.)?"

"Not to menti-Lithuania-san? LITHUANIA-SAN (Taiwan-san. I am the embodiment of my general people. Just because a minority of them is into disturbing hentai, doesn't mean I am.)"

"What happened to him Japan (Pffft, because that totally explains the number of porn videos you have under your bed. By the way we should stop using telepathy now huh?)?"

"HE'S NOT BREATHING! SOMEONE CALL 911 (Yes we should. The readers are already too much confused of who's talking what. And probably annoyed that I broke the fourth wall)!"

**8:43 P.M.**

"Poland is in a maid suit. Poland is in a maid suit. Poland'sin a maidsuit. Poland's-"

"Now look what you have done Taiwan-san! Lithuania-san is having a nightmare of what you did!"

"-andsina maidsuit."

"His fault. I would do anything to save nini from another potential split!"

"-andsinamaidsuit."

"We could have asked America-san and England-san for help! They're a couple and they could understand of this situation so much better!"

"-pohnsamadsuit."

"I need information about Russia, not love help! I need to know what he hates the most!"

"-masuit ponsamasuit ponsomoot"

" Aren't you underestimating them a bit Taiwan-san? Those two were part of the Allies back in World War Two! They should know _something_!"

"…bored…Estonia is in a corset. Estonia's in a corset-"

"THE ONLY THING AMERICA KNOWS ABOUT RUSSIA IS THAT HIS MANHOOD IS BIGGER THAN HIS!"

"…bored again…Latvia's in a thong. Latvian's atong…"

"…Should we wake Lithuania-san up?"

"…thong…thong with…Russia's face….."

"He's probably going to wake up in three seconds anyway."

"GAH!"

"Right on time-very accurate Taiwan-san."

Lithuania looked at Taiwan and squeaked, jumping off the bed in the process.

Japan stared.

"Good job Taiwan-san. He's scared of you more than Russia-san and that's nearly impossible. I hope you're proud of yourself."

Taiwan flipped her long black hair over her shoulder and scoffed.

"I don't care what I have to do to save China from his disastrous fate. So if you don't want another communism rule, cooperate with me Japan!"

Japan stared.

"Your country already supports communism already. What's the point?"

Taiwan gave a pointed glare at Japan.

"For someone who industrialized to current times, your mind's in the wrong century huh? My nation has a multi-party democracy!"

Taiwan turned to the trembling Lithuania on the floor.

"Now little Baltic, what do you have to say for yourself?"

"I SURRENDER! ALL OF RUSSIA'S INFORMATION IS IN ESTONIA'S LAPTOP! HIS MILITARY POWER, ECONOMICAL BAR GRAPHS-IT'S ALL THERE!"

A vein on Taiwan's forehead popped.

She grabbed Lithuania's panicking form by his collar and shook him relentlessly while Japan is in the back sipping tea. After all, he's used to this.

"I DON'T CARE ABOUT THAT CRAP! GIVE ME THE JUICY INFORMATION!"

Lithuania blinked.

"The juicy information?"

"What does he love and what does he hate? Likes? Dislikes?"

"Taiwan…you strangely sound very similar to Belarus…"

Eyes widened.

"Y-you don't, perhaps, h-have a c-crush on R-Ru-"

Taiwan threw him at the ground again.

"I NEED TO KNOW WHAT GRINDS HIS GEARS, PISSES HIM OFF, WHATEVER FAULTS THAT HE CAN'T STAND THAT COULD BE IN CHINA! IF CHINA HAS ATTRIBUTES HE DOESN'T LIKE, A BETTER CHANCE FOR THEM TO NOT. GET. _**MARRIED**_!"

"I agree with Lithuania-san. You do sound like Belarus-san," Japan in the back remarked.

Taiwan gave him a glare.

"I'm doing all the work here. Help out please?"

"You're the planner. I just do them."

Taiwan rolled her eyes and get back to Lithuania.

"If you don't want your capital to become Taipei, I suggest you tell me what you know."

"I-if that's the case," Lithuania slightly stuttered. "R-Russia doesn't like to s-stay in one place all the time. H-He hates w-what he considers b-boring and if I remember correctly, h-he likes to play around with peo- I mean toys," Lithuania ended with a save, not wanting Russia to come back to him, asking him '_Why are you spreading rumors around me Lithuania?_'

Taiwan and Japan blinked.

An awkward silence befell the threesome.

"Oh my god…"Taiwan breathed. "You really _are _his sex slave…"

Lithuania's face turned crimson.

"NO! I said toys! Like his wooden miniature dolls or –"

"I heard you about to say people first Lithuania-san," remarked Japan yawning. Man he's really gone through this way too much. "Do not lie please."

"I'm not lying! He really plays those – what do you call it? Matryoska? Materoshka?"

"Oh Lithuania Lithuania Lithuania," Taiwan said in a disappointed tone. "Everyone knows you're Russia's slave. It makes no different if you're his sex toy too. Half of Japan's fangirls thinks so as well and they haven't even met you!"

Indignant that Taiwan keeps believing that he's Russia's bitch (which he actually is but he needs to have _some_ dignity), Lithuania snapped back angrily.

"If Russia has any human _toy_, it'll probably be China! Russia buys clothes just to dress up _China _like a Barbie, Russia puts _China_ into a collar and calls him 'pet', and Russia randomly pops into _China's_ house every time he gets bored – not _mine's_. Seriously, Russia thinks China's more amusing than I am so why does everyone think I'm Russia's -

Lithuania paused and brought his hands over his mouth as he realized his mistake.

Immense shaking resumes.

Taiwan turns to Japan again.

"WE _HAVE_ TO BREAK THEM UP NOW! RUSSIA'S GOING TO BREAK CHINA'S HEART AT THIS RATE!"

"A-actually –"

"SILENCE TORIS! YOU'RE NOT WANTED!" Taiwan roared.

Japan stared at her.

"I always know that you're the nervous worrying type but why do you care about China? If I remember correctly, you said you can't stand him."

Taiwan's angry roll ended with a sad sigh.

"Even if I can't stand my "older brother" from time to time, he's still my brother."

She smiles.

"And I'm still his little sister. And besides, if it wasn't for him, you would have trouble raising me with we were younger, right?" She winked at the end.

…

"Taiwan, you stole that technique from my animes."

"Did it work?"

"No."

"But I really care Japan. Don't you believe me?"  
"Of course not. I overheard your conversation with Hong Kong the other day. You want Russia to break up with China because they're ruining your Russia x America OTP. Which will never happen. We all know that America-san and England-san are destined for each other."

"Yeah right! England looks _so much better _with France idiot! Can't you feel the belligerent sexual tension those two emit whenever they lay eyes on each other? They're perfect! You're shipping the wrong pairings!"

Taiwan glared.

"Back to the point, you're China's younger brother too so why aren't you doing anything?"

Japan stared as if that was the stupidest question he had ever heard yet.

"China raised me to become a strong nation and I stabbed him in the back because he was overbearing. The only reason why I'm with you is because you blackmailed me with the pictures you took of me and Greece."

A roll of eyes.

"And again, back to the point. From what Lithuania said, Russia is just a childish person. He needs amusement and can't stand to get bored."

"You may conclude that."

"So…"

Taiwan cackled evilly.

XXX

Russia is not pleased.

Sure he can deal a lot of things: perverted games, cleaning, cooking, and pesky siblings who get in the way between his himself and his China. But, if he can marry China in the end, he will cope it all.

However, Taiwan's challenge is _pushing _it.

"-so to see if you can be China's best mate…"

Taiwan smirked and handed him two flaps of paper.

"Here are two tickets to a Hello Kitty play. Use them well!"

"These are special edition tickets for the best view of the plays," Japan added. "It is _six _hours straight ( huge emphasis of the six) with a thirty minute break after the first three hours."

Russia twitched visibly.

Taiwan and Japan smirked at the same time.

"Knowing China, he'd _love _to go," Taiwan chirped happily, confident that Russia would fail the challenge to gain their approvals. "For Kitty-chan, he'd be patient enough to _sit through six hours _in the play~!"

Then she glared. The mach-speed change of emotions that flicker across Taiwan's countenance put shivers up in Russia's spine (which reminded him once again why he doesn't like girls that much).

"Can you keep up?"

Russia discarded his almost disgusted expression and replaced it with his seemingly innocent smile.

"Of course! If it's for Yao, I can do it, da!"

XXX

He can't do it.

After forty five minutes since the play started, Russia just knew…

That he would fail.

He thought he could take it, taking glances to his right to see his precious Yao smile in awe and happiness, gave Ivan happiness as well.

But…

"Oh Tuxedo Sam! Thank you for rescuing Mama Kitty!"

"It was my pleasure Hello Kitty. After all…"

"What Tuxedo Sam?"

"I-I l-like you…"

(Gasp)

Oh god, save him now.

XXXXX

"Ivan? Are you okay aru?"

A weary looking Russia smiled weakly to China.

"I'm just a little uneasy. I haven't sat that long in my whole entire life (and that's pretty long)."

"At least it's going to be half an hour before the second half of the show aru…" China responded.

Ivan grimaced inwardly.

"You don't need to be there with me aru," China said. "I'm happy enough that you were able to get me to such an event! You'll be better without me."

Oh kind China. Oh generous China. Oh beautiful and saintly China whose graceful maturity only reminds Russia how much he adores the smaller nation.

And Russia would have chirped "Okay! Have fuuuuuun~!" if it wasn't for the fact that his marriage is on the damn line.

So Russia smiled.

He'll just watch China's face for the rest of the show and pretend that he's deaf so he won't hear Hello Kitty flirting with Tuxedo Sam.

"I know you don't believe me but I'm having a lot of fun Yao! It's just that it's hard my legs to stay still in such a small space like that. It doesn't help that the seats are so small."

China was giving Russia a blank face, but Mental!China was rolling on the ground blushing how freakishly adorable Russia is trying to be a big romantic boy. Awwww…

Time to reward him then.

"_Ivan…_"

Russia's eyes widened and he looked at China quickly at his voice.

"_Since it's going to be half an hour before the next show starts, how about we have you exercise your legs? It's not healthy for you to stay in the same position for so long…"_

Russia's jaws almost dropped.

China's actually suggesting…?

Before Russia could respond, the older nation brought a finger under his scarf and pulled lightly, just hard enough to have Russia to face him close.

"_So let's have you use your legs for good use, hm?_"

Russia mood considerably lightened.

Damn! If he has to go through six hours of Hello Kitty plays to get an aggressive, willing China, hell, he'd do it!

XXX

Japan was stunned. Taiwan was feeling faint.

And Russia was wearing a shit-eating grin as if he already married China _and_ beat America into a pulp.

"I believe that the challenge was that if I kept up with the Hello Kitty plays for six hours (not including the wonderful break) to prove that I can keep up with China, that means I gain your approvals, da?"

Taiwan swallowed the thick lump called "FAIL" in her throat before weakly muttering," I know I should have used the power of fashion."

Japan had to slide down to catch Taiwan.

XXX

Damn Japan was practically useless here. Maybe I should bring him out more in the next chapter.

And yay. Some actual romantic focus between Russia and China here. I'm pleased.

Anyways, thank you for reading :D


	4. ASMCPB on the Go!

Disclaimer: Who does this really?

Summary: Before Ivan can marry Yao, he must earn the approval from his parents – or in this case, his siblings. Crack?Fic RussiaxChina

Enjoy reading!

XXX

"This is very frustrating aru," sighed China, kneading his nose bridge with two fingers.

"What kind of marriage should we do? I want to have the general marriage but I know you'd prefer to have a religious marriage. What are we going to do?"

"But Yao," the voice from the other side of the phone responded," I still haven't gotten Japan's approval yet. Should we really be going along with the marriages like this?"

China snorted.

"My siblings…as much as I love them, they're not my parents aru. I don't need their approval just for marriage – it should actually be the other way around! I'm the one who should be approving marriages and not them! Besides, I believe that every single one of them probably has an ulterior motive in this childish set-up anyway."

Then China frowned.

"How strange. Who would expect that you'd want my siblings' approvals first before the marriage?"

A hearty laugh echoed in China's bedroom.

"I like your siblings. Although pesky they may be, they come up with the most interesting ideas."

"But you don't care about their games so let's go back on the marriage subject then. I heard that there are couples who actually do both the general marriage and religious marriage. We can hold a religious marriage at one of my Orthodox Churchs and hold a general one at your place. As much I would like to have just a simple marriage, my boss wouldn't tolerate it."

China smiled.

"It's fine aru. But…"

"But what?"

"…Ivan. How do you hold a wedding without letting your family find out?"

"…"

"I mean…I'm just a _little_ worried about Belarus –"

Russia blinked and banged his forehead against his desk.

XXX

Japan knew this was going to happen once he stepped into the hospital room.

"!&*^#%^(*^$* ANIKI IS GETTING _**MARRIED!**_"

"Korea, Hong Kong, Taiwan-I know it's all very shocki-"

"NOOOOOOOOOOO! RUSSIA CAN'T MARRY ANIKI! **HIS BREASTS BELONGS TO **_**ME**_**!**"

"DAMN! IF CHINA GETS MARRIED, LIKE, WHERE **WILL MY **_**PORK BUNS**_** FUCKIN' GO**!"

"NO! RUSSIA'S GOING TO _BREAK _CHINA! AND IF HE BREAKS HIM, HE'S GONNA _**DIE**_! AND IF HE DIES, RUSSIA'S GOING TAKE OVER THE LEFTOVER LAND! AND IF HE TAKES OVER THE LAND, _**EVERYONE'S GOING TO BE ONE WITH RUSSIA!**_"

"Well, considering that China's able to take Russia's size and not broken, guess he's fine."

"SHUT UP HONG KONG," Taiwan and Korea yelled together.

"Everyone, don't worry! I have a plan to stop the marriage!" Japan wailed over the multiple cries and sobs.

But they ignored him.

"OH BROTHER!" Korea continued crying. "WHY HAVE YOU FORGOTTEN ME SO EASILY! EVEN AFTER PUSHING YOU TO THE BED AND-"

"OH MY DIM SUMS KOREA! SHUT THE FUCK UP!" Hong Kong cried.

"-MADE YOU SQUIRM UNDERNEATH MY GRASP AND-"

"TOO MUCH INFORMATION!"

"-AND MADE YOU MOAN LIKE THERE WAS NO TOMORROW-"

"WE DON'T WANT TO HEAR IT!"

"-SCREWING YOU UNTIL YOU-"

"**YOU BASTARD! TAIWAN FAINTED-**_**AGAIN!"**_

"-CUMMING EVERYWHERE-"

"_**YOU DELUSIONAL, VIVIDLY DESCRIPTIVE BROTHERFUCKER!"**_

Japan watches the scene trembling.

_Why does this _always _happen to him?_

"_**WHY DOES ANIKI HAVE TO MARRY RUSSIA!"**_ Korea cried to the heavens. Heaven didn't respond.

When Korea finally became silent (to breathe), Japan gave a small smile at the long awaited quiet.

"_**CHINA'S MARRYING MY BELOVED BROTHER! THAT WHORE!"**_

Japan froze.

That voice…

He turned to the door and it was just as he expected: a shocked and seething Belarus.

And the next action was predictable.

She broke down crying to the heavens like Korea. Heaven didn't respond to her either.

"WHY! AFTER ALL THOSE ROMANTIC CANDLE LIT DINNERS AND WALKS THROUGH THE SNOW-"

"Belarus-san? Ple-"

"-AND THE SNOW SKATING ON FROZEN LAKES-"

"THIS IS MADNESS!" Hong Kong groaned at Japan's epically failed attempt to stop their rants.

"-AND FINALLY ACCEPTING ME TO THE BED-"

"**WHY DOES EVERYTHING END UP WITH THE BE-"**

"-AND **** AND ****** HERE AND THERE-"

"**JAPAN! STOP HER! HER LANGUAGE IS IN THE RESTRICTED LEVEL! "**

"Why can't you!" Japan cried indignantly.

"**RUSSIA **_**FUCKIN' BEAT ME UP! DO YOU THINK I CAN?"**_

"-************************************!"

"_**WHY ARE THERE BROTHERFUCKERS EVERYWHERE!" **_Hong Kong wailed to God. God laughed at him.

Hong Kong eventually fainted with Taiwan, Japan ran out of the room wailing, and Korea eventually joined Belarus in their older sibling love rants.

**Four hours later…**

After finishing putting the bondage gag on Korea's mouth, Japan sat back calmly to look over his work.

Belarus and Korea are nicely tied up, their mouths gagged, and are sitting quietly at their respective positions. Taiwan and Hong Kong were alert, their eyes darting from the questionable gadgets on Belarus and Korea ("Hong Kong, why does Japan has all those…_things_?" "Taiwan, it's _Japan_.") waiting for Japan to finish his business.

"As I was saying before the commotion…" Japan began. "I know it's shocking. Yes, China and Russia are having a marriage without "my" approval. And they planned to have two marriages. One will be taken the end of this week and the second next month."

"But honestly I don't care. I just know that if I don't mention this, all of you will attack me later on. I'm giving you guys a favor by allowing you to have a chance to ruin the marriage."

"Pictures Japan," Taiwan said warningly.

"Which everyone will think they're drawn by the fans. You should check Pixiv – there was a picture of you and Hungary-san doing the 69. It looked very accurate," Japan deadpanned.

"Hong Kong! Do something!" Taiwan whispered urgently. "My blackmail won't work on him anymore!"  
"I don't have anything on Japan so what can I do? Besides I'm starting to consider giving up."

"Not you too Hong Kong!"

"Yes me too Taiwan. Besides, the reason why I don't want Russia to marry China is because how China was during the Soviet-Union rule you know?"

Japan paused mid-step from exiting the door.

"Remember China? He wasn't the doting older brother who says outdated words like 'hip and young'?"

"Oh yeah…"Vietnam shivered remembering. "He was so cold it was freaky. And guns, god the _guns_. I wasn't there but I heard the stories from the others. Apparently he _really _liked having guns around in bed."

"And wasn't Japan the same?" Hong Kong snorted. "I understand China though – all that European influence made him _very_ close to the family."

"Oh my god, the videos!" Taiwan exclaimed eagerly. "There's no surprise in seeing China bottom all the time, but there's that one time after World War II with…"

Taiwan turned to smirk at Japan.

"It had everything. The vibrator, the nipple clamps and – I think I had a copy down in the basement…"

"THAT'S ENOUGH." Japan screamed, his eyes blazing with famous Kamikaze passion. "WHAT ARE YOU GUYS DOING WASTING TIME? WE HAVE TO THINK OF A PLAN TO STOP THE MARRIAGE. _NOW_."

Taiwan gave a kiss on Hong Kong's head.

And Korea was glaring jealous daggers into Japan's skin.

LUCKY BASTARD! Korea telepathatically yelled.

Japan did an epic uppercut to Korea's head.

XXX

"This…is going to be a problem."

Japan stared at his family members (plus Belarus because she _insisted _she must stick around) before slapping his own face in frustration.

"I told you guys to give me a plan. Plans include blueprints, step-by-step strategies, a boardgame with cute little ships and soldier figurines."

Japan grabbed Belarus' and Korea's "plans" up to their faces.

"Korea…your 'I'll turn Japan's Gundam Toys into Real Gundams' is not a real plan."

Korea huffed indignant.

"That's the title! Read the re-"

"The rest says 'Then I'll circle around the globe backwards a hundred times to reverse time that way Russia and China had never met each other.' I knew America was a HORRIBLE influence to you!"

"America's awesome what are you talking about!"

"Oh America's fine…" Japan trailed off," But if you weren't busy reading manhwa and watching Korean dramas on your phone under the table, you would have noticed that America's ideas in the UN meetings are ALWAYS rejected!"

"And Belarus-san," Japan answered towards the mentioned country before sighing. "Your 'I will ambush the wedding, stab China, and whisk away' won't work either."

Belarus huffed indignant.

"I'm sure I could take on Chin-"

"No you can't. China is over four thousand years old, took down Germany and me with a _spoon_, and Bruce Lee is Chinese."

"What does Bruce Lee have to do with China!"

"IT DOES EVERYTHING. BRUCE LEE TAUGHT CHUCK NORRIS FOR CRYING OUT LOUD. DON'T YOU GET IT! CHINA IS PHYSICALLY INVINCIBLE. HE HAS OVER A BILLION PEOPLE, BRUCE LEE, AND PROBABLY CHUCK NORRIS ON HIS SIDE. AND WE ALL KNOW THAT EVERY NATION IN THE WORLD EXCEPT CHINA LOOKS UNDER HIS BED FOR CHUCK NORRIS!"

Belarus looked at both Korea and Japan.

"Fuck it, you're both influenced horribly by America. And the internet. Ugh."

And Taiwan and Hong Kong gave each other a glance before muttering how they're all doomed.

XXX

"Okay, so I used my animes for reference and –"

"This will turn out _wonderful_."

"Shut it Korea – it's ten times better than yours will ever be."

"Will you guys _stop_ fighting?" Taiwan broke in. "I know you guys hate each other –"

"We don't hate each other Taiwan," Japan smiled brilliantly that carried an undertone of venom. "We love each other. Korea's just fucking Tsundere."

"Exactly daze~" Korea smiled as brilliantly. "I'm just fucking Tsundere for Japan~"

Taiwan twitched.

"Yeah so we know you both hate each other's guts, moving on – "

"I have a plan," Hong Kong piped up."I can't guarantee that it'll work but…you can try to make Russia look like he's cheating on China. Have a random guy to call Russia out in the middle of the wedding. That might cause enough chaos to stop the wedding."

A powerful silence descended upon the hospital room.

"That's…fine," said Taiwan. "But there are a lot of risks to it. This is _Russia_ we're dealing with. And China isn't stupid. After Russia tells China that Mr. Random Guy is just insane, then China's just going to move on."

"But this is _Russia_ we're talking about," Hong Kong continued. "Russia should have a lot of dirt on him because of the Cold War. Hell, use a World History textbook – you're bound to find something."

Another silence.

"Hong Kong…" Japan started, "have you broken up couples before?"

Hong Kong nodded.

"To England and China. Three times. Worked pretty well each and every time."

"England-san and China were never together Hong Kong. Every single 'history textbook' in the world confirms it."

"But nobody knows the details," Hong Kong smirked. "China had something like a Stockholm Syndrome towards England during the Opium times. You'd be amazed how jealous China was with India."

Taiwan gulped. "And you –"

Hong Kong tch-ed darkly.

"I did everything I could in my power. After I blew up England's house, England banned me from using fireworks EVER AGAIN. And when I tried smuggling some fireworks from China, England banned me from seeing China for a week."

"DID YOU KNOW HOW PAINFUL IT WAS NOT SEEING CHINA! MY FIREWORKS, MY _**DUMPLINGS**_!"

Hong slammed his fists on a magically appeared table in front of him, making everyone in the room jump.

"I HAD TO DO IT! I GAVE AN ANOYMOUS MESSAGE TO CHINA, MAKING SURE HE COMES AT THE SAME TIME INDIA AND ENGLAND CAME TOGETHER FOR TRADE. AND WHEN CHINA DID, I PUSHED ENGLAND ON TOP OF INDIA AND CRIED 'Oh respectful brother China! England pursued India while you were away!'. THE PLAN WAS BRILLIANT I TELL YA BRILLIANT!"

Hong Kong panted and everyone stared at him in worry.

"But there was _one _thing I miscalculated. One fat possibility I forgot to account for."

"China was filled with opium. And you can't predict…cracked people that well y'know?"

(Insert heavy ellipse here)

"So what happened?" asked Taiwan finally.

Hong Kong gave a broken laugh.

"China tried to split so I was hoping to go under China because of the legal processes y'know? But not only China failed to break England's hold, but China apparently _forgot_ me when he tried to split. All the freaking opium! China called me Baby Unicorn for a week."

Hong Kong gave a sob.

"Dude," Korea licked his lips nervously. "You. Me. Drama collaboration. This Friday okay?"

"Okay," Hong Kong said weakly under the tears.

They both high-fived.

XXX

They have spent so much time and accomplished so little.

But now, the Asian-Sensation-Minus-China-And-Plus-Belarus (which Korea is happy to say it originated from Korea and _no one _can say otherwise this time) has a somewhat decent plan.

All they need now is God and luck on their side.

(Too bad God and Lady Luck teamed up and plans to take no action in this situation and are currently sitting back on a couch and laughing at the silly little nations. But ASMCAPB is trying so we might as well give it some credit).

XXX

HELLO. I'm…back? I know the ending for the last story sucked as hell because I rushed it. This is indeed a crack story, but there's a limit to how much insane bad writing a story can take right?

The story's still going to be insane and bad, but not as much as last time. I won't be updating much (school, oh how I need thee yet hate thy guts), but at least I want to fix this story for the sake of my conscience. Because my conscience can't take bad writing, especially from me _

But otherwise, thank you for reading up to this point and I hope you enjoyed the story thus far.


End file.
